July – August 2022
Many things have changed in the COVID era. There have been long separations of lovers who may have seen each other weekly for years. Some married or living together couple have closed their marriages entirely “for the duration”. Some have limited their other relationships to those with up-to-date vaccines—which may cause rifts based on politics which will never heal. Unfortunately, with the ups and downs of COVID and its variants, “the duration” is dissolving into the New Normal.
Beyond COVID-19 or Back to Poly Dating Basics
If you are a couple meeting another couple, dinner at one of your homes is generally best. Again, as a couple, inviting a single male to your home for dinner is appropriate for a first meeting. If you are a couple meeting a single lady, the best way we’ve found to handle it is to court her together. Take her out and treat her nicely–let her know that dating a couple doesn’t mean giving up the joys of romantic single dating, but doubles them instead! The husband is taking both of the ladies out–he should pick up the check without a fuss. The single lady can reciprocate later with dinner at her place if things work out. If the single is male and you go out together, he and the husband should split the check–you are both taking her out. None of this on who pays applies to feminist ladies who wouldn’t think of allowing a man to buy her inner–but we’ve run into amazingly few of those in this movement.
Primary Prospect Dating (or Marrying) someone in a Committed Long Standing Secondary Relationship
If your partner or prospective partner comes to you with one or more long term secondary partners, you are likely to not only meet these people, but also to form your own relationship with them—anything from casual friendship expressed by a cordial “Have a good evening (or weekend) together,” to becoming an ardent lover of that person if you are bi and the relationship grows. This dynamic can be even more
confusing when the secondary has turned down your prospective partner’s offer to be primary (or vice
versa), but both have chosen to continue the relationship as it is valuable and satisfying despite that.
There are many in between possibilities. Perhaps your prospective primary’s secondary has veto power
over his or her primary relationship. This is particularly common in BDSM master slave relationships—
though the Master or Mistress may be a long-married man or woman. More commonly, meeting and
getting the approval of this long-term secondary will be similar to getting the approval of a parent, big
brother/sister or best friend of your prospective primary partner. Perhaps you passed the inspection and
this secondary is now family by choice, joining you for Thanksgiving and Winter Holiday celebrations.
Where this person sleeps and whether your partner will sleep with both of you or that person alone during
such a visit is one thing you will need to negotiate for the comfort of all concerned. Perhaps you will all
sleep and make love in one bed, or perhaps your partner will spend part of the night with one or the other
of you. The secondary may be long distance, taking your partner away for a weekend a few times a year,
or you may be sharing the bed with them twice a week if that secondary is local and available for such
things—some call this a semi residential triad such as the one which originally founded Live the Dream.
It is wise to find out what the current situation is before getting into such a relationship. You may be able
to negotiate changes which would make you more comfortable either to start with or ongoing. While it is
not a given that you will take the time commitments in that relationship as is, you will most likely be expected to accept the relationship itself which may have been going on for decades. The honest and ethical thing for you as someone forming a primary relationship with a person in such a relationship is to be clear on what you can handle and what you can’t, so your prospective primary partner can make an informed choice about what he or she is committing to. Changing the rules after the wedding, handfasting, or decision to live together is something which would have to be done by mutual consent—perhaps including the consent and input of the secondary partner. Arbitrary vetoes or changes at this point have been known to end in a breakup of the new primary relationship, so think carefully about it and be fair to yourself as well your partner and the person who may have seen him or her through 3 marriages, perhaps helping to raise kids involved…
Three in the Car
If you all go out together as three, the wife and single lady should alternate sitting in the front seat if your car has bucket seats. In the case of a couple dating a single man, the gentleman whose car is being driven will usually drive with the lady beside him. Three in front is much better if you have a vehicle which can do it—rare as of 2015.
Three at a Restaurant
If you are going to a restaurant, plan things so that round booth seating (preferable) or individual chairs avoid the couple sitting on one side and the single on the other. Whether that single is male or female, avoid anything with a two against one feel to it. Call ahead to check exactly what kind of seating the place has if you have not been there before.
Couples Together and Apart
Be sure you not only do the obvious of sitting in cars or restaurants with the opposite sex member of the other couple, but spend time with the same sex one, too. This goes for separate meetings, too. The gentlemen can go to a computer fair together while the ladies go for a drive or whatever. You are all in a relationship together if this works out. During 50 years of living this life style, I have found that the relationship between same sex members of a triad, quad or bigger group is at least as important as that between opposite sex members especially if the same sex members are hetero. I will never forget the man whose “share” at a Loving More conference was that “This woman is the lady I love, ardently desire, and want to spend the rest of my life with. This is the man I want to repair roofs and remodel kitchens with for the rest of my life. I love them both equally in different ways…” I hear also in my mind Marcus saying to Paul and me early in our relationship, when we were just beginning to relate as a triad, “I’ve got to tell you, I love you both!” in joy and surprise. His first triad was with his best friend from high school — he expected to love both his bride and the man he asked to join them in their marriage. Paul (in 2000, several months before our braiding ceremony in June 2001) was a much newer friend, in time to become even closer to him than that high school buddy.
Separate Dating–couple with a Single
Depending on the couple’s comfort level with it, after getting to know them both on two or three joint meetings, you as a single male could offer to take the lady alone out for lunch, dinner or even a play. This works particularly well if her husband gets to go to some meeting or activity, he is really interested in but she is not while you entertain her. You, as the male member of a couple, can also ask the single lady out, assuming this is OK with your wife–best to have your wife assure her that it is especially if your previous meetings have been as three.
Addendum 4-4-21
Paul and Athena married May 16, 2020 after nearly a decade of living together. Paul popped the question at our New Year’s Eve dinner at Tam O’Shanter with Craig, myself and many of our water brothers present. Craig and I were married April 28th 2018. As of this writing April 4, 2021, we are still a very happily married couple who become a semi residential quad when Paul and Athena visit for birthdays, holidays, special occasions like weddings and funerals+ Science Fiction Conventions. Right now, they are here in California for Paul’s second vaccination. Athena as a Veteran has gotten her first one in Pheonix. Craig and I share time with Family by blood and by Water (see Stranger in a Strange Land). His very close family relationships have taught him to put Family first for which I have been very grateful on the occasions that time with what is now OUR Family conflicted with alone time and other plans. Craig and I flew to Cleveland, Ohio in 2020 despite Covid concerns to support Paul and to say good by to his
Mother (who I had called Mom since our marriage in 1993) before she passed. We also came out to Pheonix for their wedding and helped them put together that Zoom and in person event. When I had lung cancer surgery in March of 2021, they came out to California to support Craig and be there for me while I recovered. I am recovering amazingly well thanks to the loving, healing energy (&prayers) of those close to me, using my own hypnotic techniques including a healing meditation specifically for the surgery (played on a loop the whole 3 hours) and after it, which Paul helped me put together as my audio engineer and Craig loaded into a very small play back device. The surgeon said they got it all—no chemotherapy or radiation required. Blessed Be!
It IS possible to enjoy lovemaking during a recovery. The gentle loving of my Poly Prince, Paul and Athena in her own way have certainly helped the Healing. I am a very lucky 67-year-old lady!
Addendum 6-27-22
In February of 2022, Craig was diagnosed with Lymphoma Cancer. He began spending 6 days out of every 21 in the hospital getting chemo. For some of this time, I had the company of Paul and Athena, but especially at the beginning of it, they were very busy moving their double wide home to a new location in Phoenix. Very little time to spend with me. A trans lady who had been attending Live the Dream meetings for some time entered my life as a romantic partner. She was THERE for me when I really needed her, to help with the tech part of our Zoom meetings, go for drives to the beach, sleep in my bed when Craig was not in it as well as when he was home some of the time. We Shared Water. She was accepted by Paul, Athena and others of my Nest. How does this fit into a piece on the ETIQUETTE of alternative life styles? How do you handle 5 people with a bed comfortable for sleeping in by four? What do we do when Paul and Athena are visiting the same week end Elaine is with us? Elaine sleeps on a very comfortable couch in my home hypnotherapy office. Paul and I visit her since we are both her lovers. Craig and Athena are not sexually involved with her or each other. They have verbal intercourse—talk to each other. Or sleep. Perhaps if this continues, they will let the three of us who are making physical love have the big bed while they sit elsewhere to talk. Still under negotiation. I want to sleep with Paul and Craig. Athena wants always to sleep with Paul, so the sleeping arrangements will stay as is even if the sexual play arrangements change.
Also, I have been seeing a lot more of Elaine due to Craig being in the hospital 6 days out of 21 since our relationship became a romantic one. This has required her to drive out from Lancaster. There will probably be less of that in the future, but the water sharing is a permanent commitment. She wants some alone time with me and will probably get it. Fortunately, Craig likes some time to himself also. It will be worked out. Will she go on vacations with us as Paul and Athena do for summer and winter holidays? Perhaps. There are some talking exercises we will be doing in the months ahead including such questions for each person to answer for each other person in the group as “What I want from you is ____________.” “What I would like to give you is _________________.” “What I need to tell you is _______________.” “What I would like to ask you is ____________. “Hot seat involves one person being asked
whatever they can think of by everyone else in the group. Each person gets a chance at the Hot Seat, though it may not all be in the same sitting. Fortunately, Paul and I have lots of experience with this sort of thing. Sometimes we can even get our partners to go along with it…
Does the fact that Elaine is trans figure in to all this? Not much other than which of our intimate circle are comfortable having a relationship with her and which are not which may or may not have anything to do with that. I have been paying for most meals out etc. while she is visiting when it was just her and me because she was gracious enough to drive from a long distance for those visits and gas is expensive. She did take me out beautifully to one of my favorite restaurants for my 69 th birthday with Craig home but unable to go out due to being still immunocompromised from the chemo. Who pays later when it is me, her and Craig? A man should probably not pay for two women when one of them is his wife’s lover, but not his. That is more about being bi than trans, come to think of it. Hmmm…
More on this as it unfolds.
Back to more general poly dating.
Know Where You Stand
There are many ins and outs to the etiquette of poly dating. Much of it depends on the agreements a couple (or triad or quad) has with each other before another person enters the picture. Contrary to popular beliefs, having an open relationship often does not mean “Anything goes.” Some couples date only together, while others have a limit of one evening and/or night out a month or a week separately. Some require a week’s warning about a whole night out while others just need a call that same night letting the spouse know they’ll be out until morning. Couples (and triads and quads), be sure you are clear on such agreements between yourselves and that you make them clear to prospective intimate friends before someone gets hurt feelings through not knowing the rules.