Extracted from the June-July 2023 Live the Dream Newsletter
In high school, college, or the Armed Services, it is possible to form friendships which are close and deep. These may be carried on after graduation or (separation from active service) or not. For many, such friendships are happy memories of a past which has somehow slipped away. For others, they are a continuing delight of shared birthdays, holidays, yearly reunions of the whole gang and maybe regularly scheduled one on one lunches together. This is not a matter of chance. Even today, as long after high school college, or the Military as this may be for you, you can be the one who plans those special shared events for those in your neighborhood, the people who you know from Renaissance Farire or those who dance at the Seniors Center with you on Thursdays. It can be you who provides a place to have those special events, whether that is your living room, a local park or the Huntington Gardens. You can be the one who always calls those who are special to you, remembers their birthdays and maybe takes them out on the day of with a few other close friends or just by themselves. You can do this for your family by choice or by blood. One of my Water Kin is an 80 year old lady who has her grown kids, grand children and great grand children at such gatherings as Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas along with her Family by Choice. The love flows freely for all of us. She happens to be polyamorous, but not poly sexual. Many loves means different things to different people.
In 1969, I was part of a Stranger in a Strange Land type Nest formed by about ten science fiction fans who went to high school together. Many of the original group scattered to the four winds, but my first water brother is still my best friend and we’ve drawn many others to us over the years – twenty-five at last count. Some of these are our lovers as well. Stranger in a Strange Land has been my interpersonal relationships Bible all this time and has served me well. I have used it (with some help from such other Heinlein books as Moon is a Harsh Mistress and Time Enough for Love) as a touch stone for educating people about alternative lifestyles such as multiply committed relationships, group marriage, and families -by-choice. Family Synergy, which my first husband and I joined in 1977, was my first forum for such discussions as an adult. This organization was founded in the early 70s by Hyim Levy and Pat LaFollet. It was based largely on the writings of Robert Rimmer (Harrad Experiment, Proposition Thirty-One), though some of its members were more science fiction oriented. Family Synergy was truly my family by choice during those years–we shared Passover Seders (Hy lead the first really traditional one I had ever been to at the Allot House in 1977), Latke Parties, birthday celebrations and trips to Elysium. Much of this has been carried on by Live the Dream.
I entered Science Fiction fandom by attending my first World Con in Anaheim in 1984. There I found Kathy Mar singing filk (SF folk songs) about group living/ group marriage in the lobby. Kathy and I became water kin soon after that convention and shared holidays, marriages, our kids growing up and other family things for many years. I saw how she did group living and how she used Heinlein’s teaching stories to create a viable reality in her life.
In 1987, Brian Gitt, Darrell Smith (two of my water brothers then in a triad with me) and myself formed Live the Dream– many of whose members were in science fiction fandom and whose philosophy was based on writings by Heinlein and others of the SF genre. Robert Rimmer was an honorary member and an inspiration to me personally– always willing to talk with me about how to live this life style more joyously until he passed on in August of 2001.
In 1988, I heard about Church of All Worlds and discovered to my delight and amazement that Heinlein’s fantasy concept existed in the real world and that its organizers and I had been walking similar paths separately for 20+ years.
Naturally, I became a member of Church of All Worlds (CAW). It’s founder Oberon Zell actually coined the term Polyamory. He and Morning Glory spent many years in a line marriage (multi-generational group marriage based on Heinlein’s Moon is a Harsh Mistress) containing up to eight people at one time. When I read “All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals!” in CAW’s Green Egg magazine, I felt a joining of spirituality with my choice of lifestyle which has been a blessing in my life. Live the Dream is not the longest continuing Nest of Church of All Worlds.
The concept of Sharing Water as presented in Stranger in a Strange Land is one form of Expanded Family created in part as a way to replace the kind of security extended blood related families no longer give in today’s society which may scatter such families all over the country or even the world as job requirements and other things cause changes of location.
The Extended Family of the past might live together or only in close proximity to each other. It may provide anything from grandparents who help care for the children which can be a real strain for a young couple in nuclear family setting to Grandparents who provide a large caring home for that young couple (which may eventually be their own) instead of having them live in less than optimal housing with their money going down the drain on rent. The younger people reciprocated by taking care of elder family members in years ahead.
Expanded family can be created in a number of ways. Marriages are created formally and legally in wedding ceremonies. Handfastings of two, three or MORE for a Year and a Day or “As long as love shall last” are another formal though not legal way of doing this. Sharing water is another way. There are many definitions of what it means to be a Water Brother. Here are some from Stranger in a Strange Land where the concept originated. Here water was used because the main character was raised on Mars where water as rare and life depended upon it. To share this life-giving substance was literally to share Life. In our real world, it is a way to formalize those bonds we choose to create and to keep in our lives.
Quotes from Stranger in a Strange Land
- Water sharing is like being baptized . . . and like getting married.
- It means you trust us and we trust you. We can tell you anything and you can tell us anything…and know that confidences will be kept.
- It means that we are partners, now and forever. Once done, it can never be broken.
In Stranger in a Strange Land, the Character Mahmoud, Michael’s first Water Brother, noted that Michael presented to him this group of Jubal, Anne, Jill, Mariam, and Dorcas as HIS NEW Water Brothers. Mahmoud had JUST met all of them and was not really comfortable with any of them. Because they were Michael’s water brothers, Mahmoud had an obligation to them more binding than that owed to the sons of one’s father’s brother. Mahmoud had to accept them as his family. Mi Familia Su Familia, My Family is your family, including all the problems and delights that may come with them. This is Called Sharing in fullness.
Heinlein Inspired Reality
Terry (at a Handfasting Ceremony) May you never thirst, never hunger is one acknowledgment commonly used among members of the real Church of All Worlds which is based on the one in Heinlein’s novel. In Stranger, this is a binding promise to see to it personally that one’s Brothers (read sisters as well) shall never hunger, be thirsty, nor lack for shelter. Among most who offer these words in ritual, they are far less binding. In most rituals, the sharing of water is simply the recognition that we are all brothers and sisters in the earth, Gaia. Being a bit more traditional, I personally will not use water for such a ritual unless I do mean the words literally. I replace it with juice. I may even verbally state that the sharing we are doing is not a sharing in fullness. In my own inner Nest, the sharing of Water has meanings varying from person to person by their choice. There are those who have chosen to accept my water brothers as their own and those who have chosen to share only with me and to share separately, or not, with each of my other water brothers. Others have decided to change to this meaning after the original sharing. Some have even chosen to break the bond of water brotherhood–which they can do, on their side, without anyone discorporating as a result. In essence, we are none of us Martians nor characters in a science fiction story. Each of us does the best we can to be true to ourselves and those we care for. Those present who are members of our Nest, in whatever way they choose to define that, will be asked to come forward and share with us today. We hope you will feel comfortable accepting that invitation.
Glen: Will those persons present who are Water Brothers of our Nest please come forward at this time to renew the sharing of water.?
A water filled chalice is passed around starting with Glen shares with Terry and which Terry passes to those being hand fasted
The cup is passed to rest of the Nest, ending with Glen